I Don't Remember

   I remember a few weeks after my miscarriage I had a thought. I thought, "Am I healing too quickly? Is this normal?" What I don't remember is how or when I stopped leaning on the Lord. I must have thought I had this. That's the only thing I can think of. I had to of subconsciously thought that I was officially ok. I must have stopped leaning on him, stood up, and tried to walk.
   That was a mistake.
   If my daughters or sons are reading this. Do not follow your Mother's example in this instance.
   For the past month I have been fighting depression. I haven't been able to see the point in doing anything. I still tried, I trucked on through it. Joshua has and always has been taken care of. Jacob didn't even notice until it was more than I could hide and I finally started to talk to him about a week ago. I felt abandoned, but I think it was me. I KNOW Heavenly Father never abandons us. He stays right there, hand outstretched. I lost sight of His hand for a minute and it almost broke me.
   Everything went stagnant. Everything stood still. Jacob and I started fighting about all kinds of things. I saw no progress anywhere in my life. I didn't see any opportunity for progress, I felt forced into a small room where I was not allowed to move or better myself or better my life. I was being kicked down every single time I thought I could stand.  It was my own personal nightmare. It wasn't until recently that I even had enough brain power to connect it to my miscarriage. I don't remember though. I don't remember letting go of God's hand.
   I had to of though.
 
   I've been sick. On and off for the entire month of October I had one illness after another. Only just now am I finally getting over the latest one: Senor UTI. I think it had to of happened somewhere in the haze of the fevers and the pain. I just let myself let go and feel lost. I hope it wasn't a Job-like situation. I think if it was, I failed. I never cursed God. But I certainly felt that He had left me and I begged to know why. It wasn't until I realized that He hadn't that I even began to let myself be comforted.
   I still feel very haggard from it all. And afraid. I'm terrified.

   I am terrified because I found something out today. We haven't been as careful as we should have been this month. I don't know what will happen. I haven't told a soul yet. I haven't said it out loud and I'm afraid to even type it. I think that I know it will all be ok. I'll survive again if the worst is to be. I can't help but wonder though if I really will survive. Will it undo me? Is this life destined to take everything from me, including but not limited to my sanity?
   But these are thoughts very similar to the ones I have been having lately. I wish I could control the outcome, and because I cannot I prepare for and expect the worst. I have so much in this life. I have eternal marriage, I have my son who we are sealed to for eternity, I have my home, I have my extended family, I have the gospel, and I have a testimony of that gospel.

   It's a funny to thing to be in my own personal hell, and yet my testimony is not shaken. It is as strong as it was and it will continue to grow. I never doubted the Lord's plan for the world, I just seem to struggle with (and maybe I always have) remembering that the plan includes me too. The Lord did not forget me, I did. So maybe I was wrong kids. If you find yourself lost and you don't remember how you got there, think about this. Maybe give me a call. The Lord has not forgotten you.

And yes, His hand is still right where it has always been. Outstretched and waiting for you to accept it.    

The Lord Understands

   It's interesting and it's sad all at once. As common as miscarriages are, so few people understand or even try. Today was supposed to be my first doctor appointment. We should have heard the baby's heartbeat today. Instead as I was leaving the office I heard someone else's baby's heartbeat. And it hurt. I am so happy for them that it hurt. People look at me and just see someone that was almost pregnant. But I was pregnant. I had life inside me if only for a few weeks.
   The woman at the WIC counter didn't even care. I said that I had miscarried so we can cancel the pregnant woman's appointment I had scheduled. She just looked at me blankly and said that they had never officially put it in the computer. Like I was the one being ridiculous. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted her to attempt to understand the pain. But I just rescheduled Joshua's appointment and moved on.
   The medicaid lady was all numbers. She wanted to be comforting. She said, "I knooow hun. I knooow." I think she just didn't know how to get business done and talk to a human being at the same time.  It hadn't even occurred to me that Medicaid for pregnant women wouldn't have a plan for miscarriages. Is our society so caught up in wanting to kill our babies that they just don't think women who have miscarriages need any help? The woman tried to graze over it, but there on the paperwork it grouped miscarriage in with abortion. Like it was the same thing. Abortion was even the main word. Miscarriage was in parenthesis, like an afterthought. Like it was the same thing. I wanted to shout at her that I wanted my baby. That a part of me had died when that ER doctor told me I was having a miscarriage. I wanted to call whoever made that stupid paper and yell at them until I no longer had a voice.
   Heavenly Father is still with me. And I think it's what saved these people from my grief. Thinking about it now, I know that their mixed reactions are normal. They don't know. They have no idea. They don't know how to touch the sadness in my heart and they probably don't want to. It's a nightmare that changes you forever and people are scared of that. Because usually it's a negative change. Usually it chips away at your heart until you can't feel anything but the loss.
   A few days ago I felt ready to ask Pinterest for the world of experiences that millions have shared. Some of it touched my heart and healed me just a little. Some of it stated gracefully things that will always be a part of me now. One was beautiful, simple, and short. It just said, "I will always wonder who you would have been." But mostly there was pain. So much pain. The resounding note was a bitterness that I find difficult to describe. I cried for them and I cried because I know that without Heavenly Father that is where I would be. It is so easy to go to that place. I continually feel it close by, a constant option. But I know that I can take my questions to the Lord. I know that He is with me, and all I need to do is reach out and I am once again on a path of healing. I have never felt and seen so clearly how the choice is truly ours. To choose the comfort of the Lord, or "endless misery and woe".
   I'm still sore. My body is so tired and sore. Between my appointments this morning and Joshua's shots this afternoon, I was already wiped out and I could have slept for hours. But shots don't work that way. They are tough. So I had a short nap while Jacob was home and before Joshua really got bad. He just cried and cried. He wouldn't take a bottle. He did eat some dinner, so that was good. I used some essential oils on him, and he loves those. We gave him a little Melatonin. Before long he had cried himself to sleep while I rocked him. Hopefully it's a restful sleep and his body can deal with the shots. I just checked on him and he seems to be sleeping soundly and comfortably.
   That is always what I revert to. I don't think it's a bad thing, but I think it is interesting. I can only handle all of this in phases. Most of the time I'm glad that normal life keeps going on with or without me. I can put my pain and grief in a little spot in my soul and take care of myself and my family. And when I need to take it out and deal with a piece of it I do. I don't try to muffle it. I think that's important and that it's what the Lord wants me to do.
 

We Almost Had A Baby.

   I don't want to post this on Facebook.
   I don't want 30 different people knocking on our door or messaging me asking if they can help or asking me questions in general.
   I just want to remember. I want a piece of this to show my daughters when they go through this. So they know how very much I know what they are going through. I want to show my sons when their wives are crying and they don't know how to help them.

   It hurts. I knew that though. I knew that miscarriages hurt. I knew that they hurt physically and they hurt emotionally. But I didn't really know. There is no way to prepare for this.
   I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. I can't explain why. There were signs of course, but they could have been just as likely to be perfectly normal. It's just a feeling I kept having that I kept waving away like a fly I didn't want to deal with. I finally said something on Monday night when my fever spiked and I suddenly had the flu. I looked at Jacob and I said I didn't feel right. I felt like something was wrong.
   I cried a lot last night. I knew before the Doctor even said it, but it hit me just as hard anyway. They gave us a moment, and Jacob gave me a blessing. How grateful I am for that blessing! Right as I thought I was going to lose it, it was like I heard God begging me to take His hand. I felt Him place angels to hold me up. It doesn't take the pain away, but I can wrap my head around it. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. This is just an incredibly painful part of that plan. It reminds of the analogy of the clay pot. Or was it a kettle? Regardless, it's clay. It goes through and immense amount of manhandling and heat in order to become what the artist always wanted it to be. Beautiful. Perfect. Let's just say that I'm being molded.

   There is a lot to do. A lot of family to tell. Insurance to notify. And who knows if I will be able to. The pain of the contractions is getting worse. Maybe I should take more pain medication after all.
   I have my to do list. I feel at this point that I just want to get through this painful experience. I don't want to dwell, I want to just be in it. Let myself cry when I need to cry. Let myself be slow when I can't handle going any faster. Let myself be quiet when I need quiet. I'll get through this as long as I hang on to my Heavenly Father. I can feel Him hanging on to me for dear life.

Man It's Been A While! But I Can't Let This Day Go Unwritten!!!

So how many exciting things do I have to list off? I mean, take away the fact that I am Finally Officially in my 3rd Trimester. (One friend has said that it seems I will just be pregnant for ever and ever. Lol!) We could even skip all the details about my back pain and how I am finally finding ways to cope with it. Let's even skip details about the EPICNESS of the 50th Anniversary Episode Day of the Doctor. I won't bore you with what a fan girl I am and how sad the extent of my conversion to this fan club is. Facebook has seen enough of that. 

   Instead, let us concentrate on the fact that MY SISTER HAD HER BABY TODAY!!!!!!! Aiden James came into this world at 10:39am and he weighed 7 lb 3oz. 

   I wasn't there in person, but I woke up every couple hours last night checking my phone for updates and not wanting to miss a thing. Hope was miserable and in pain, went to the hospital yesterday evening and didn't think she would have the baby then. Well, a night in the hospital and here he is! 

   I think so far I have announced it to everyone that will listen, including the cashier at Dillons. I can't wait to meet him, this little human that will someday be a man. It's crazy when you look at a baby, and then you look at an adult, and you look back at the baby and think, "You grow into that? But you're just so tiny!" Today has made me think about how I can't wait to meet my own little gentleman. It will be an honor to meet the soul that God has entrusted us to teach and to raise. (He kicks me a lot, but we'll just have to teach him how to not beat woman once he's out. ;D )

   Thanksgiving will just be my main distraction until we can finally hit the road for Nevada and go see my nephew. Today I bought a beautiful 20 lb turkey. I am so excited. I love baking turkeys. They just become so delicious. But alas, I will only make them for special occasions. There are only two ways I cook a turkey. One is deep frying, and yes when done properly that is a delicious way of presenting this bird. My personal favorite, however, takes days of prep, and hours upon hours of work. So while the end result is the best bird in the whole wide world, I do not cook it very often. I tend to add steps every time I cook it, adding more layers to the flavor. It's really quite terrifying but I can't think of anything I have more fun doing than cooking. Wait, shopping. Shopping is on a whole different level. 

   Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Be thankful today for little babies, and the fact that once upon a time you too were cute beyond imagination. (And still are! Psh!) 

The Time When Diapers Smell Good

   Don't jump to conclusions, these diapers have not been used. They just sit there in our nursery. Sometimes when I am in there looking-at/cataloging/making-more-lists so-I-can-catalog-everything-again I stop and I take a look around, and I picture everything. And yes, yesterday I hugged a package of diapers. I noticed that they smell good right now. And so I dub this small period in my life The Time When Diapers Smelled Good. 

   After so long without writing anything, I thought for a little while about how I would re-introduce myself to all the people who don't read my blog. I thought about being all deep and talking about how much I've changed. But honestly, duh. It's been almost a year. Everything has changed! So let's skip all that Mumbo-Jumbo and talk about babies! Because babies are fun, and terrifying, and worth every pain in this short body of mine. :) 

   The fun part is the free stuff. We have gotten more free stuff than when we got married. Nobody gives you money like when you get married. However, like Jacob's mom Jessica so kindly did, they show up at your door with cribs. Everyone wants you take their kid's old clothes. We have 2 or 3 bouncers in our Nursury already. By the time we make it to our baby shower we won't have anything left to ask for except diapers and the like. I exaggerate, but only a little. I love it! I love seeing so many people that think of us and care for us. It is heartwarming. I have felt my Father in Heaven's love for me. Every parent wants for their kids everything they didn't have. For me, it comes down to him/her knowing that he/she is never forgotten. That they are worth every minute of time that anyone spends on them. That they are loved, and they worthy of love. I have felt Heavenly Father assuring me that this will always be the case. So many times in my life I have wondered if I was worth anyone's love. I made a pretty good case of examples from my life too. And then even when God proved me wrong and  I knew that I was, I didn't know that anyone else but God could see that. I have always told myself that my kids would never have reason to doubt their worth. I always felt that I had good reason. This life inside me will be different. 

   That leads us right into the terrifying part. There is a life inside me! Ahh! Even someone as prepared emotionally as my almighty self thought I was can never truly be prepared for this. I always knew that when you have kids, it's "Buck it up" time. It's "Get your crap together" time. "No excuses" time! Basically, this kid is coming, it deserves everything that you and this world has to offer so you better be sure you can offer it everything. A new life is a beautiful thing. This new life is pure, it is special, it is worthy of heaps and piles of love and devotion and attention. 

   I still knew all of this when I got pregnant. And I am glad that never in my life did I ever view my children as anything less than my entire life. Because when it hits you that you have this responsibility on your shoulders, I suddenly felt very small. My life flashed before my eyes. I suddenly wasn't so sure of myself. I did not immediately "Buck it up." Everything from, "What if I accidentally eat something bad and my baby comes out with two heads!" All the way to "What if my kid is that teenager that bullies everyone and doesn't care! I don't want stuck up kids! I want compassionate kids!" The what if's can pile up forever if you sit there and think long enough. Jacob assured me that our kids wouldn't be bullies, because from a very young age we would teach them compassion and to follow Christ's example. The pregnancy books assured me that it is very rare for a baby to come out with two heads, and even then it isn't the mother's fault. So I keep moving. "Bucking it up." is easier said than done though. I have learned my lesson. 

   We will find out if it's boy or girl in the next two weeks. Jacob wants a boy. I have switched over to leaning towards wanting a girl. But honestly, like I have any control over it right? I'm just excited to find out so that we can make a baby registry and start partying! 

EVOO and Red Bells.

   Olive Oil. It has many healing properties, and it can also soften your skin so it feels like a baby's clean bottom. But most people just use in their cooking. Now I know my picture says "Premium California". I want to get one thing straight, this is just the one I bought at Costco because it was the only one in a glass bottle. I collect those, for those of you don't know. This one was very pretty. And I don't have very many olive oil bottles at present. It was also only $6, which certainly didn't hurt. Buy Olive Oil in bulk. Always. That's tip number one. Next, notice the Extra Virgin part. This is my personal favorite as a general oil, but there are SO MANY different types of Olive Oil that it's hard to choose just one.

   Moving on, I want to show you a recipe that uses a lot of Olive Oil. Well, more than normal. You see, a little goes a long way when it comes to this wonderful substance. What I am going to show you is my way of making a nice jar of Oven Roasted Red Bell Peppers. Delicious in pastas, a lot of different salads, basically anything your imagination can use them for. And if there is one thing I recommend in the kitchen, it's creativity.

Note: These need to be used the same day. I am using these in dinner tonight.

   You start with two beautiful Red Bell Peppers. Mine are about average sized, although any size will work. You just have to picture how much you want to roast. You can get a beautiful package of them at, where else, Costco. I love their produce. They take care of it, and produce needs a lot of care.

 
   The lighting in my kitchen isn't very good for photos, but I assure it is decent for everything else. Decent...

   Quarter and clean your bells. Some of mine were a tad smaller, I learned that it is easier to peel the skins off later if you just quarter it. I have two knives in this shot. The one that is hiding is my boning knife. Why do I use it on my bells you ask? Well, the blade is perfect for getting the stem off without wasting a bit of the delicious bell. AND, it is perfect for cleaning the fleshy yellowish white parts on the inside of the bell. The other knife is my favorite. My chef's knife. I use it for everything else. Now, I will save knife safety and performance for another day, that will fill a whole blog on it's own.
   Preheat your oven to 400 F. Please. Make sure that your top rack is placed on the top most slot.

      Here is what your pieces should look like when they are cleaned. NO SEEDS. That's important.  I want to insert here that I do not use tin foil because I have magic pans that never stick. Wedding gifts from my Grandma Margaret. THANK YOU!!! If you do not have pans infused with magical properties, please use tin foil to line your pan.

   Now I like to quarter an onion and separate it out onto the board. I have one slice of bell turned over above to show how I try and get a slice of onion under each big bell piece. If you have smaller pieces try your best to get onions around them. This will add a better flavor and aroma, and they just smell so darn good when they're in the oven. =) Note: You may also add garlic at this step, but I like to add it later on.

  Drizzle you Olive Oil over the veggies. Use your hands to rub oil on EACH piece. You don't need much. Just barely coat them. Put them into your preheated oven on that top rack that we put in the topmost slot. You did that right? If you didn't, do it now. Be careful, it's hot. Set a timer for 20 minutes and watch some Food Channel. Favorite channel, obviously. I watched Good Eats. So full of whys and hows that even my husband loves it. Anyways... Mine needed about 10 or 15 more minutes after that, but all ovens are different so check at 20 and then check every 5-10 minutes later until the skins are turning black in spots, and have a filmy look to them, and the peppers 'collapse' under a fork. Use common sense, don't burn them.

   Here is where I was in a hurry and didn't take a picture of the done veggies in the pan. You don't need it though. Just follow the above directions. When they are done use your fingers, again, to peel off the skins of your bells. If they do not come off easily, you didn't bake them long enough.

   Put them into a jar, along with the onions. I reuse my jelly jars so I didn't have to buy extra. It doesn't have to be air tight because you have to use these the same day, like I said in the beginning.  Here is where I add my garlic. Because I do this at about 11am, they sit and even more flavor is brought out. Here is how to add:

   Take your chef's knife and crush it by hitting the blade with the heel of your hand. Sometimes this is scary for people who have never done it. In that case, use something else but crush the same way. It won't actually crush it, but the magic makes the 'skin' come off very easily. Everything I can't explain is Magic.
See the big guy there with brown area on his, um, bottom? Cut that off. I also like to cut the ti-pity tip of the garlic, I'm not sure why. Then slice in half. If it is a mega-garlic clove then quarter it. Le big guy above? He was a Mega-Clove.

   Add to your jar, stir it around with a fork. Eye about 2 tablespoons more olive oil to it. Stir it about. (My chef's knife is done, he just wanted to be in the shot.) =) Put your lid on, and refrigerate until you are about to start dinner. Enjoy immensely. If you have any suggestions or did it a different way, feel free to leave comments below. =) Share me with friends. My chef's knife likes the spotlight. ;D

That Moment

Some may know, some may not. I don't like to talk about it. But since February I have been dealing with this illness. You know those trials that, well, can only be explained in all caps? TRIALS. That's what this has been. But that's not what I'm on here to type about. I'm here to tell the world of the happiness of That Moment. Imagine walking through a tunnel, and not just walking through a tunnel, a Serious Tunnel. You are in this tunnel for so long that you start to wonder what sunlight is like. Not to be over-dramatic, but this IS an analogy right? Right. So no sunlight, it's been so long that you are on the verge of forgetting it completely. Then that moment, when the darkness is about take over, you are about to lose all hope. And then the light, suddenly, tiny there in the distance. And you realize that you are going to get out. That was the moment. The blood tests came back, the doctor read them, and I have a Hyper-Thyroid. It explains everything. Every last symptom. The light at the end of tunnel. The happiness. I can be fixed. I am not broken. Well, I am right now, but it is not unfixable. Yay! That was a really long explanation, but really truly the only one that could have explained it. That Moment.

We only have the Lord to thank of course. He invented it. <3