After so long without writing anything, I thought for a little while about how I would re-introduce myself to all the people who don't read my blog. I thought about being all deep and talking about how much I've changed. But honestly, duh. It's been almost a year. Everything has changed! So let's skip all that Mumbo-Jumbo and talk about babies! Because babies are fun, and terrifying, and worth every pain in this short body of mine. :)
The fun part is the free stuff. We have gotten more free stuff than when we got married. Nobody gives you money like when you get married. However, like Jacob's mom Jessica so kindly did, they show up at your door with cribs. Everyone wants you take their kid's old clothes. We have 2 or 3 bouncers in our Nursury already. By the time we make it to our baby shower we won't have anything left to ask for except diapers and the like. I exaggerate, but only a little. I love it! I love seeing so many people that think of us and care for us. It is heartwarming. I have felt my Father in Heaven's love for me. Every parent wants for their kids everything they didn't have. For me, it comes down to him/her knowing that he/she is never forgotten. That they are worth every minute of time that anyone spends on them. That they are loved, and they worthy of love. I have felt Heavenly Father assuring me that this will always be the case. So many times in my life I have wondered if I was worth anyone's love. I made a pretty good case of examples from my life too. And then even when God proved me wrong and I knew that I was, I didn't know that anyone else but God could see that. I have always told myself that my kids would never have reason to doubt their worth. I always felt that I had good reason. This life inside me will be different.
That leads us right into the terrifying part. There is a life inside me! Ahh! Even someone as prepared emotionally as my almighty self thought I was can never truly be prepared for this. I always knew that when you have kids, it's "Buck it up" time. It's "Get your crap together" time. "No excuses" time! Basically, this kid is coming, it deserves everything that you and this world has to offer so you better be sure you can offer it everything. A new life is a beautiful thing. This new life is pure, it is special, it is worthy of heaps and piles of love and devotion and attention.
I still knew all of this when I got pregnant. And I am glad that never in my life did I ever view my children as anything less than my entire life. Because when it hits you that you have this responsibility on your shoulders, I suddenly felt very small. My life flashed before my eyes. I suddenly wasn't so sure of myself. I did not immediately "Buck it up." Everything from, "What if I accidentally eat something bad and my baby comes out with two heads!" All the way to "What if my kid is that teenager that bullies everyone and doesn't care! I don't want stuck up kids! I want compassionate kids!" The what if's can pile up forever if you sit there and think long enough. Jacob assured me that our kids wouldn't be bullies, because from a very young age we would teach them compassion and to follow Christ's example. The pregnancy books assured me that it is very rare for a baby to come out with two heads, and even then it isn't the mother's fault. So I keep moving. "Bucking it up." is easier said than done though. I have learned my lesson.
We will find out if it's boy or girl in the next two weeks. Jacob wants a boy. I have switched over to leaning towards wanting a girl. But honestly, like I have any control over it right? I'm just excited to find out so that we can make a baby registry and start partying!
