I Don't Remember

   I remember a few weeks after my miscarriage I had a thought. I thought, "Am I healing too quickly? Is this normal?" What I don't remember is how or when I stopped leaning on the Lord. I must have thought I had this. That's the only thing I can think of. I had to of subconsciously thought that I was officially ok. I must have stopped leaning on him, stood up, and tried to walk.
   That was a mistake.
   If my daughters or sons are reading this. Do not follow your Mother's example in this instance.
   For the past month I have been fighting depression. I haven't been able to see the point in doing anything. I still tried, I trucked on through it. Joshua has and always has been taken care of. Jacob didn't even notice until it was more than I could hide and I finally started to talk to him about a week ago. I felt abandoned, but I think it was me. I KNOW Heavenly Father never abandons us. He stays right there, hand outstretched. I lost sight of His hand for a minute and it almost broke me.
   Everything went stagnant. Everything stood still. Jacob and I started fighting about all kinds of things. I saw no progress anywhere in my life. I didn't see any opportunity for progress, I felt forced into a small room where I was not allowed to move or better myself or better my life. I was being kicked down every single time I thought I could stand.  It was my own personal nightmare. It wasn't until recently that I even had enough brain power to connect it to my miscarriage. I don't remember though. I don't remember letting go of God's hand.
   I had to of though.
 
   I've been sick. On and off for the entire month of October I had one illness after another. Only just now am I finally getting over the latest one: Senor UTI. I think it had to of happened somewhere in the haze of the fevers and the pain. I just let myself let go and feel lost. I hope it wasn't a Job-like situation. I think if it was, I failed. I never cursed God. But I certainly felt that He had left me and I begged to know why. It wasn't until I realized that He hadn't that I even began to let myself be comforted.
   I still feel very haggard from it all. And afraid. I'm terrified.

   I am terrified because I found something out today. We haven't been as careful as we should have been this month. I don't know what will happen. I haven't told a soul yet. I haven't said it out loud and I'm afraid to even type it. I think that I know it will all be ok. I'll survive again if the worst is to be. I can't help but wonder though if I really will survive. Will it undo me? Is this life destined to take everything from me, including but not limited to my sanity?
   But these are thoughts very similar to the ones I have been having lately. I wish I could control the outcome, and because I cannot I prepare for and expect the worst. I have so much in this life. I have eternal marriage, I have my son who we are sealed to for eternity, I have my home, I have my extended family, I have the gospel, and I have a testimony of that gospel.

   It's a funny to thing to be in my own personal hell, and yet my testimony is not shaken. It is as strong as it was and it will continue to grow. I never doubted the Lord's plan for the world, I just seem to struggle with (and maybe I always have) remembering that the plan includes me too. The Lord did not forget me, I did. So maybe I was wrong kids. If you find yourself lost and you don't remember how you got there, think about this. Maybe give me a call. The Lord has not forgotten you.

And yes, His hand is still right where it has always been. Outstretched and waiting for you to accept it.