It's interesting and it's sad all at once. As common as miscarriages are, so few people understand or even try. Today was supposed to be my first doctor appointment. We should have heard the baby's heartbeat today. Instead as I was leaving the office I heard someone else's baby's heartbeat. And it hurt. I am so happy for them that it hurt. People look at me and just see someone that was almost pregnant. But I was pregnant. I had life inside me if only for a few weeks.
The woman at the WIC counter didn't even care. I said that I had miscarried so we can cancel the pregnant woman's appointment I had scheduled. She just looked at me blankly and said that they had never officially put it in the computer. Like I was the one being ridiculous. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted her to attempt to understand the pain. But I just rescheduled Joshua's appointment and moved on.
The medicaid lady was all numbers. She wanted to be comforting. She said, "I knooow hun. I knooow." I think she just didn't know how to get business done and talk to a human being at the same time. It hadn't even occurred to me that Medicaid for pregnant women wouldn't have a plan for miscarriages. Is our society so caught up in wanting to kill our babies that they just don't think women who have miscarriages need any help? The woman tried to graze over it, but there on the paperwork it grouped miscarriage in with abortion. Like it was the same thing. Abortion was even the main word. Miscarriage was in parenthesis, like an afterthought. Like it was the same thing. I wanted to shout at her that I wanted my baby. That a part of me had died when that ER doctor told me I was having a miscarriage. I wanted to call whoever made that stupid paper and yell at them until I no longer had a voice.
Heavenly Father is still with me. And I think it's what saved these people from my grief. Thinking about it now, I know that their mixed reactions are normal. They don't know. They have no idea. They don't know how to touch the sadness in my heart and they probably don't want to. It's a nightmare that changes you forever and people are scared of that. Because usually it's a negative change. Usually it chips away at your heart until you can't feel anything but the loss.
A few days ago I felt ready to ask Pinterest for the world of experiences that millions have shared. Some of it touched my heart and healed me just a little. Some of it stated gracefully things that will always be a part of me now. One was beautiful, simple, and short. It just said, "I will always wonder who you would have been." But mostly there was pain. So much pain. The resounding note was a bitterness that I find difficult to describe. I cried for them and I cried because I know that without Heavenly Father that is where I would be. It is so easy to go to that place. I continually feel it close by, a constant option. But I know that I can take my questions to the Lord. I know that He is with me, and all I need to do is reach out and I am once again on a path of healing. I have never felt and seen so clearly how the choice is truly ours. To choose the comfort of the Lord, or "endless misery and woe".
I'm still sore. My body is so tired and sore. Between my appointments this morning and Joshua's shots this afternoon, I was already wiped out and I could have slept for hours. But shots don't work that way. They are tough. So I had a short nap while Jacob was home and before Joshua really got bad. He just cried and cried. He wouldn't take a bottle. He did eat some dinner, so that was good. I used some essential oils on him, and he loves those. We gave him a little Melatonin. Before long he had cried himself to sleep while I rocked him. Hopefully it's a restful sleep and his body can deal with the shots. I just checked on him and he seems to be sleeping soundly and comfortably.
That is always what I revert to. I don't think it's a bad thing, but I think it is interesting. I can only handle all of this in phases. Most of the time I'm glad that normal life keeps going on with or without me. I can put my pain and grief in a little spot in my soul and take care of myself and my family. And when I need to take it out and deal with a piece of it I do. I don't try to muffle it. I think that's important and that it's what the Lord wants me to do.
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