We Almost Had A Baby.

   I don't want to post this on Facebook.
   I don't want 30 different people knocking on our door or messaging me asking if they can help or asking me questions in general.
   I just want to remember. I want a piece of this to show my daughters when they go through this. So they know how very much I know what they are going through. I want to show my sons when their wives are crying and they don't know how to help them.

   It hurts. I knew that though. I knew that miscarriages hurt. I knew that they hurt physically and they hurt emotionally. But I didn't really know. There is no way to prepare for this.
   I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. I can't explain why. There were signs of course, but they could have been just as likely to be perfectly normal. It's just a feeling I kept having that I kept waving away like a fly I didn't want to deal with. I finally said something on Monday night when my fever spiked and I suddenly had the flu. I looked at Jacob and I said I didn't feel right. I felt like something was wrong.
   I cried a lot last night. I knew before the Doctor even said it, but it hit me just as hard anyway. They gave us a moment, and Jacob gave me a blessing. How grateful I am for that blessing! Right as I thought I was going to lose it, it was like I heard God begging me to take His hand. I felt Him place angels to hold me up. It doesn't take the pain away, but I can wrap my head around it. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. This is just an incredibly painful part of that plan. It reminds of the analogy of the clay pot. Or was it a kettle? Regardless, it's clay. It goes through and immense amount of manhandling and heat in order to become what the artist always wanted it to be. Beautiful. Perfect. Let's just say that I'm being molded.

   There is a lot to do. A lot of family to tell. Insurance to notify. And who knows if I will be able to. The pain of the contractions is getting worse. Maybe I should take more pain medication after all.
   I have my to do list. I feel at this point that I just want to get through this painful experience. I don't want to dwell, I want to just be in it. Let myself cry when I need to cry. Let myself be slow when I can't handle going any faster. Let myself be quiet when I need quiet. I'll get through this as long as I hang on to my Heavenly Father. I can feel Him hanging on to me for dear life.